Just so we’re clear…

I’m perfectly willing to consider to a decent pro-vegan argument, and I understand the need to rant, and that a point shouldn’t be dismissed just because it’s said rudely.

BUT…

The second you call someone a bloodmouth, your credibility is gone in my eyes.  It doesn’t affect the credibility of your cause (in my eyes, anyways), but it’ll certainly make me stop listening to anything you have to say about it.

Why does anyone other than my doctor or a dating website ask me whether I’m male or female?

I understand my doctor’s office asking me this question:  there are certain health problems (testicular cancer, ovarian cysts, etc.) that are unique to one’s sex, and they need to know which set of problems to be on the look out for.  And I understand a dating website asking me this question:  some people only date men (I’m one of them), and some only date women, and the site can avoid wasting everyone’s time if they filter potential matches by sex.

So why does anyone else need to know?  Why do most websites, when I sign up for them, ask me whether I’m male or female, even though they will never interact with what’s between my legs?  Why, when I go out in somewhat ambiguous attire, do people feel the need to speculate about whether I’m male or female, and not just be content to know me as they see me?

If you can answer that, then you can answer the question of why non-binary gender identities exist.

Those in the “You’re all trying to be special snowflakes,” crowd like to say that if we don’t feel body dysphoria, then we’re not bigender or pangender or agender or two-spirit; we’re just cis-males or cis-females who don’t conform to gender roles.

And you know what, gaslighters?  You’re right.  If being a cis-male were defined only by being born with a penis and being okay with having that penis, I would be cis-male, not agender.  But that’s not all there is to being a cis-male; if that were all there was to being a cis-male, then the only people who would ask me whether I’m male or female would be the people who need to know what’s between my legs, i.e. my doctor and future sexual partners.

But until we live in that world, the fact is that there’s more to being male than feeling as though there should be a penis between your legs.  Don’t believe me?  Then ask all those websites and all those passers-by why they want to know whether I’m a man or a woman.  And as long as there’s more to being male than wanting a penis, I’m not going to be able to identify as male, because I just don’t fit the expectations society has of males.

So back off my non-gender-indicative dick.








but?





He posted that first one more than two years ago, and probably posted the second one around the same time, judging by the number of retweets and favorites.  Two years, people.  Would you like to be held accountable for everything you said two years ago?  I certainly wouldn’t.  People grow and change and learn; how about acknowledging that growth instead of holding him down for something he said before he educated himself?  Besides, who would know more about self-improvement:  someone who’s always been a good person, or someone who used to say transphobic things, learned the error of their ways, and taught themselves better?  So it’s hardly hypocritical for him to tell someone they should educate themselves and act more thoughtfully, because that’s exactly what he had to do.  So about you lay off the guy?


image

image

but?

He posted that first one more than two years ago, and probably posted the second one around the same time, judging by the number of retweets and favorites.  Two years, people.  Would you like to be held accountable for everything you said two years ago?  I certainly wouldn’t.  People grow and change and learn; how about acknowledging that growth instead of holding him down for something he said before he educated himself?  Besides, who would know more about self-improvement:  someone who’s always been a good person, or someone who used to say transphobic things, learned the error of their ways, and taught themselves better?  So it’s hardly hypocritical for him to tell someone they should educate themselves and act more thoughtfully, because that’s exactly what he had to do.  So about you lay off the guy?

(Source: superultraslut, via reallifescomedyrelief)

Is it considered fat shaming if you are not physically attracted to a certain size man or women?

I strongly disagree with everything in this post (aside from 7swell’s commentary), so let me break down why.

7swell:

thirsty-no-name:

thedaydreamarchitect:

feministpizza:

thisisthinprivilege:

This is a serious question. Being a bigger girl myself, I am happen to be attracted to larger men. I like to be thrown around during sex, slapped in the face and physically dominated. A smaller man doesn’t feel dominating. I can definitely see how the reverse could also be true. What is your take on this? Would it considered “fat hating if a 6’ 165 pound man is only attracted to skinnier women? 

Mod response

Yes, in the sense that considering a whole class of people unloveable for a single bodily characteristic is a kind of indirect hatred, especially in a culture that discriminates heavily against fat people as potential love/sex/life partners.

I don’t know where you get the idea that, “I’m not attracted to fat people,” = “I think fat people are unlovable,” but it just doesn’t work no matter how you look at it.  Most of us are smart enough to know that just because we aren’t attracted to someone doesn’t mean no one is, so not being attracted to someone doesn’t mean we think they’re generally unlovable.  And if you mean “unlovable” it the sense of, “I can’t love someone I’m not attracted to,” what they’re really saying is, “I can’t have a fulfilling relationship with someone I’m not physically attracted to.”  And while that might not be true for you, that doesn’t mean it’s not true for everyone.  If someone considers sex part of a fulfilling relationship (which is not unreasonable) and can’t be turned on by someone, it’s not unreasonable for them to not want to date that person!  As long as they’re polite in turning down that person’s advances and don’t treat that person any worse because of it, that doesn’t make them a bad person!

‘Only being attracted to thin people’ in this day and age isn’t really comparable to, say, preferring tall people, as the vast majority of people with a preference for tall people won’t treat shorter people like subhumans unworthy of love. There’s a whole different kind of dynamic between thin/fat in our society than exists between more neutral preferences, as a function of pervasive bigotry against fat people.

Then it’s the dynamic that’s the problem, not the individual’s lack of attraction to fat people.  Just because the vast majority of people who aren’t attracted to fat people treat them as subhuman [citation needed] doesn’t mean the problem stems from people not being attracted to fat people; it stems from people thinking fat people are sub-human.  THAT’s what you should be fighting, not someone’s inability to get hot by looking at you.

Although, if you ask me, the problem goes beyond fat people, in that there’s this idea in our society that whomever/whatever you don’t find attractive is fair game for you to criticize and dehumanize.  You see that in the chaser community too with bullshit like, “Bones are for dogs, men like real women.”  You see it in women’s reactions to the end of No Shave November, when women were like, “Alright guys, play time’s over, cut that shit off!”, never thinking, hey, maybe they want to keep their beard because they like it.  Frankly, I think that’s what we really need to be fighting, the idea that one can impose their standards of attractiveness onto others as a benchmark for whether that person/feature is worthy of respect or not.

Attraction is very complex. It’s undeniable that societal attitudes play a huge role in who we find attractive.

[Citation needed.]

Some people subvert those attitudes in one way or another, but when most five year olds pick the fat kid as the person they least want to hang out with of any group of people, then you know you’ve got a powerful kind of soclalization of attitudes right there. 

And again, the problem here stems from THE SOCIETAL MARGINALIZATION OF FAT PEOPLE.  If you’re going to argue that that marginalization is caused by people not finding fat people attractive, again, you’ll get more millage out of getting people to stop marginalizing people/features they don’t think are a attractive than by telling people, “Stop not being attracted to fat people!”  Fight the real enemy.

If we lived in a time where fat/thin wasn’t so charged in the love/sex/partnership realm—where on most dating sites things like height and hair color are often expressed as soft preferences and weight, to contrast, a dealbreaker—then this would be an easier question to answer.

But we don’t live in that fat/thin neutral society. We live in an era that teaches kids from toddlerhood that fat people are less-than in all ways, but especially in that they’re lower-status love/sex/life partners. It’s rather impossible to untangle all of that from a more neutral ‘preference.’

-artetolife

If that were true, getting involved in body acceptance would actually change whom we find attractive.  But that doesn’t happen; if anything, it only makes us accept that there’s nothing wrong with liking the kinds of bodies we like.  Except when it’s used to spread shit like this.

Okay, I am REALLY FUCKING GLAD that someone addressed this. There’s this bullshit post that was going around tumblr for a while that’s like “BEING BODY POSITIVE DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO FIND EVERY BODY TYPE ATTRACTIVE.” And all of these thin body-posi “activists” or whatever reblogged it with comments like “THANK YOU” and shit, and it just made me so goddamn mad. Am I seriously the only one to whom it’s painfully obvious that statements like that are just cop outs from thin people to excuse finding fat bodies inherently ugly and unworthy of any type of admiration? DUH that’s not okay.

Of course it’s not okay.  But that’s a flaw in their CHARACTER, not in their sexuality.  See the emboldened paragraph.

Even though the post doesn’t explicitly say “You don’t have to find fat bodies attractive”, I definitely feel like that’s what it’s alluding to, especially after taking into consideration the types of people who have reblogged and agreed with it.

Tell me, how big do you think the audience is for a post that says, “You don’t have to be attracted to skinny people to be body positive!”  Tiny, that’s how big that audience is, because there are fewer people who aren’t attracted to small bodies than there are people who aren’t attracted to big bodies.  The fact that the types of people who have reblogged and agreed with that post are the types who aren’t attracted to bigger bodies is just a matter of probability.

And also if you fetishize fat bodies (or any other marginalized bodies), you are a piece of shit. YEAH “BBWLUVER” WHATEVER-THE-FUCK-YOUR-NAME-IS, I’M LOOKING AT YOU. If you’re still following me, I hope you choke on dog shit.

#fatbitchfridays

So if someone doesn’t find you attractive because of your body type, they’re hateful scum, but if they DO find you attractive because of your body type, they’re a piece of shit.  There’s just no way to win in this situation you’ve set up.  Your whole set-up designates everyone as hateful scum or a piece of shit, as sub-human.

This is a really good point and something I hadn’t considered before.

Because it’s misguided and ignores the root causes of the problem.

While I agree with most of this, I don’t like the tone in the last paragraph.

Fetishization isn’t a bad thing. Fetishizing a certain body type, in such that “Bigger” men or women are a turn on for you, isn’t inherently evil. In many ways, one can’t control what does and doesn’t turn them on, sexually. My fetishization of certain objects [say, underwear] isn’t something I chose. It just is.

Now, how you go about treating people who are bigger just because of your fetish, that’s something different altogether.

I just don’t like this idea that people who fetishize larger bodies are pieces of shit. Because they aren’t. They’re just extremely sexually attracted to larger people. Plain and simple.

If you really believe that, then how in the world can you agree with thisisthinprivilege’s post and feministpizza’s reply?  You’re arguing that we can’t control whom we’re sexually attracted to.  Your third paragraph is exactly what I was saying in the emboldened paragraph:  whom we are and aren’t attracted to says jack shit about our character.  It’s how we treat those we are/aren’t attracted to that makes us good or bad people.  So if you believe that, there’s no way you can think not being attracted to fat people on its own is tantamount to fat shaming!

no no no no NO NO NO!! I was hoping not to see this piece of shit text post on my dash, but fucking here it is!

How the fuck is it not finding fat people sexually attractive fatshaming?! That’s like saying not finding tall or shot people sexually attractive tallshaming or shortshaming, or not finding a certain race sexually attractive racist! They are none of that, they are just fucking preferences! God damnit!! You have to be really fucking delusional to think just because someone doesn’t want to have sex with you equates to them shaming you!  

You’re the one sane person in this discussion.  Thank you, 7swell.

TL;DR:  It’s not fat shaming to not be attracted to fat people; it’s only fat shaming if you treat them as subhuman because you don’t find them attractive.  If you want fat shaming to end, you’re not going to make it happen by saying, “Stop finding fat people unattractive!”  You need to address and combat this societal idea that people/features have or lack value based on whether we find them attractive or not.  Fight the real enemy!!

(via afterman-descension)

newbeginnings2013:

I’m all for people treating me like a human being, just because I’m fat it doesnt mean I’m less of a person and people have no right to make me feel like dirt because of my size.

I currently weigh around 321lbs down from 336lbs. I hate my size but I do NOT hate myself. I think I am positive,…

Whoooo-boy, where to begin?

1. Making yourself feel better by comparing yourself to fat people you see as being “less than” you because of how their fatness impacts their lives and because of how they chose to live their lives?  You’re putting down others, even if it’s just in your own mind, to build yourself up.  That’s a shitty thing to do.  I’m not in the mood to sugarcoat that.

2. Fat admirer does not equal feeder.  Let me repeat that:  FAT ADMIRER DOES NOT EQUAL FEEDER.  Feederism is a fetish for weight gain, and it is entirely separate from the fat admiration phenomenon.  Is there overlap?  Certainly.  But if you’re going to shit-talk feeders, don’t throw all fat admirers under the bus with them.  Many fat admirers just find fat people attractive, and they don’t want to see their partner get bigger.  Also, many fat admirers also want their partners to be healthy, since they’re, you know, empathetic individuals.  They can’t help it that they’re attracted to fat people.

3. On that note, let me emphasize that it is a fetish.  Which means those people who are encouraging weight gain in others or who are gaining weight themselves are doing it because they like it.  Not because of the admiration of feeders or because food tastes so good they just can’t help themselves; they do it because they enjoy gaining weight.  So yes, many of them would still be happy to get bigger even if there was no one cheering them on.  Don’t understand that?  Fine, most people don’t understand the appeal that leather or BDSM or feet have for those respective fetishists.  But just because you don’t understand it doesn’t invalidate the pleasure they gain from it.  Just because you don’t see the appeal doesn’t mean it has no appeal for them.

4. And if people want to engage in that fetish and have that pleasure?  Live and fucking let live.  They’re adults and they’re doing consensual shit that they enjoy that isn’t harming anyone else.  Who are you to tell them how they ought to live their life?  They know what they’re doing, they know the consequences, and they’ve decided they would rather feel the pleasure that gaining weight brings them than live a “healthy” life that they aren’t enjoying as much as they can.

Everything else I could say has been covered by something I posted long ago.

insensitivegentleman:

let’s all strive to be more like jimmy

FUCK.
THAT.
SHIT.
Do theists ignore the things we atheists post on Facebook and let us believe what we want?  Fuck no.  They comment when we post our beliefs.  All.  The.  Fucking.  Time.  They insult and belittle us for for “being blind to the obvious” or “refusing to see evidence right in front of us” (oh the fucking irony).  As soon as they stop shoving their religion in our faces, we’ll stop pointing out how fucking deluded they are.
But that’s not even the bigger problem.  The bigger problem is that it’s okay for theists to talk openly about their faith, but us atheists are supposed to keep our mouths shut and not talk about our lack of faith.  Surveys show that less than half of people in this country would vote for an atheist presidential candidate, even if they were otherwise totally qualified.
You know what?  As soon as religion gets the fuck out of our government, the fuck out of our school system, the fuck out of the personal lives of those who don’t follow it, THEN we’ll ignore it.  As soon as it stops indoctrinating the youth to believe that fairy tales and myths are facts, then we’ll ignore it.  But as long as religion is used as a tool to oppress the masses and repress those who don’t fit its narrow view of how the world should be, in the name of a dogma that doesn’t make sense if you think rationally about it for two fucking seconds, we are not going to just ignore it.  We are going to be assholes, because people who are willing to be assholes when something isn’t right are the ones who change things for the better.
Jimmy, stop being such a fucking wuss and stand up for atheism.  You owe it to yourself and your society.

insensitivegentleman:

let’s all strive to be more like jimmy

FUCK.

THAT.

SHIT.

Do theists ignore the things we atheists post on Facebook and let us believe what we want?  Fuck no.  They comment when we post our beliefs.  All.  The.  Fucking.  Time.  They insult and belittle us for for “being blind to the obvious” or “refusing to see evidence right in front of us” (oh the fucking irony).  As soon as they stop shoving their religion in our faces, we’ll stop pointing out how fucking deluded they are.

But that’s not even the bigger problem.  The bigger problem is that it’s okay for theists to talk openly about their faith, but us atheists are supposed to keep our mouths shut and not talk about our lack of faith.  Surveys show that less than half of people in this country would vote for an atheist presidential candidate, even if they were otherwise totally qualified.

You know what?  As soon as religion gets the fuck out of our government, the fuck out of our school system, the fuck out of the personal lives of those who don’t follow it, THEN we’ll ignore it.  As soon as it stops indoctrinating the youth to believe that fairy tales and myths are facts, then we’ll ignore it.  But as long as religion is used as a tool to oppress the masses and repress those who don’t fit its narrow view of how the world should be, in the name of a dogma that doesn’t make sense if you think rationally about it for two fucking seconds, we are not going to just ignore it.  We are going to be assholes, because people who are willing to be assholes when something isn’t right are the ones who change things for the better.

Jimmy, stop being such a fucking wuss and stand up for atheism.  You owe it to yourself and your society.

(Source: dutchster, via cracked)

dyslexiccow:

monalisamusings:

Respect one another <3 

I love the introvert one. Fucking 2 and 8 make me want to vacate an area post haste. And I will.

I wanted to just post this without comment, to just say, “Be excellent to each other, everyone,” and queue it.

But… I can’t let this one go, because I can’t take that second list seriously.

Extroverts don’t need a “how to care for…” list for the same reason straight people don’t need a straight pride parade.  Extroverts are the dominant category of people in the social world.  Extroverts are the privileged group in the social world.  Our culture promotes extroversion and shames introverts, calling us “withdrawn”, “haughty”, “shy”, and a host of other not-exactly-flattering words.  Our culture already provides for the needs of extroverts, because extroverts run shit in the social world; that, after all, is kinda their thing.  Those things in the extrovert list are already part of the default way we’re taught to treat each other in this society.  The things in the introvert list?  Not so much.

Look, extroverts, you can have your list; I’m not going to tell you you can’t.  Nor am I going to deny that you have needs just like we do; you certainly do, and I hope your needs are met as often as they reasonably can be.  But don’t expect us introverts to be sympathetic of you when your needs are already being met by our society, and ours, often times, aren’t.

To anyone who hesitates at all to call themselves a feminist…

queerpeopledoingstuff:

(The rant was originally posted by Owen on Facebook.  It is reprinted here at Alex’s suggestion.)

To anyone who hesitates at all to call themselves a feminist, or anyone who ever smack-talks feminists or doesn’t stand up to people who do, we need to talk.


Feminism is NOT about perpetuating the seeming “advantages” that women have over men in this society, nor is feminism about allowing women to walk all over men or giving women some kind of advantage over men. It is CERTAINLY not about blaming all men for the actions of some men. That, my friends, is called “misandry”, and it’s misogyny’s man-hating sibling.


True feminism, you see, is about gender equality. It’s about women having the same opportunities that men do and men having the same opportunities that women do. It’s about everyone having the right to do what they want with their lives and themselves without being beholden to outdated ideas about what’s “appropriate’ for either sex. It’s about women not being burdened with the pressure to keep quiet and out of the way, and it’s about men not being burdened with oppressive ideas about what is and isn’t “manly”. It’s about freedom. For everyone. And yes, we do still need it, because as far as we’ve come, we don’t have gender equality yet, and the inequality hurts all of us.



Just because some people are blatant man-haters and parade their hatred as feminism doesn’t mean the actual movement is wrong; it means the man-haters are wrong. Just because feminists often disagree about what feminism is really about doesn’t mean the whole movement should be discredited; it means that gender equality is a diverse issue that demands discussion.


And just because there may be some biological difference between men and women doesn’t mean you should actually treat the two differently. Treat people how they want to be treated, whether that’s daintily and gently, or roughly and boisterously, or somewhere between the two.

Got it? Great!

I wrote this in response to a friend talking about his white, male guilt and his desire to make things better but not knowing where to start.  The short version is that I don’t think white people and men inherently have blood on their hands, but if we ignore our privilege, we wash our hands with the blood spilled by the real racists and sexists of the past.

If you like my long posts, give that link a click.

Faith in Math?

nonplussedbyreligion:

deconversionmovement:

Why ought you believe in mathematics? Is that reason not also based in faith?

I’ll publish this for my followers.  Does anyone else see the issues with these questions?

Again, what is faith?

Firm belief in something for which there is no proof.

Let us prove that mathematics isn’t a faith.  What is 9-9?  Who got 0?  What is 81/9?  Who got 9?  What is 5+5?  Who got 10?  What is the integration of x^2-5x+6?  Who has this as there first step:  X^3/3-5x^2/2+6x?  Reproducible results; evidence; proof; not faith.  Willful ignorance is the worst.

I saw it when the comment was added.  I laughed.  I’m really glad the the architects that designed my house used this reproducible and provable faith when making calculations.  Oh my stars that was the funniest thing I’ve read in a really long time, and I don’t think it’s just the meds talking. 

Alright, time for my choice of major to show through.

Regarding deconversionmovement’s point: the reason those results are “reproducible” is because that’s what we’ve all been taught.  What real evidence do you have for 5+5 being 10?  In a base-8 system, it would be 12.  If we made that system modular, it would be 4.  Furthermore, what you’ve effectively done is said, “Everyone agrees that 5+5 is 10.  Reproducible results!” Argumentum ad populum.  Tsk, tsk.

Mathematics is more like a language than a science (and it is science, after all, that demands reproducible results).  We can use math to express ideas in other fields:  we can express velocity as the derivative of a position function, we can use discrete mathematics to power our computer programs, and we can use limits to show why Zeno’s paradox about Achilles and the tortoise isn’t actually a paradox.  So when deconversionmovement used popular belief to show that 5+5 is 10, that’s like saying that red fruit that grows from Malus domestica is an “apple” because many people say it is.  All you’ve proven is that most people would agree with you.

But a language is a very useful thing; it’s a system that allows the sharing and manipulation of concepts and ideas.  That’s basically what math is, too, with much more emphasis on manipulation.  Why do we “believe in math”?  The same reason we “believe in language”; it’s useful to us.  Except we really don’t “believe in language”, nor do we believe in math.  We believe in the truth of the results we use mathematics to obtain.  Those results are provably true because we can create reproducible evidence.

If you’re going to ask why one should “believe in math”, you might as well ask why someone should believe in language… which is, I’ll admit, a very valid question, because the language we use often conveys way more meaning that we think it does, but that’s another story.  But let’s say we’re going to ask that question.  Suppose I say say no, we can’t believe in language.  When you say “God”, I’m going to think of the sun, in which case, yes, I believe in God.  That might be different from your idea of “God”, but that’s what I call God, so I’m also a theist, just like you.

See where this falls apart, yellowdeath?  We can’t even have this dialog if we don’t believe in language, because working with different ideas when we say the same thing won’t get us anywhere.  So we agree that “God” has a certain meaning, just as we agree that “5” and “+” have certain meanings and that “5+5” means the same thing as “10”.  There’s no faith here; just mutual understanding, and that’s something I believe in.

I’m on your side, deconversionmovement; I just recognize that we need a longer path to get where you thought we could get with your reasoning.

(Source: academicatheism, via ksplitintwok)

We need to talk, fat community; an open letter from a chaser

[TW: Fat shaming, fat objectification, description of rape culture]

Look, I think it sucks that we live in a society that thinks fat is unattractive and unacceptable, that automatically equates fat with unhealthy, and that puts fat people down for their size, not only because I hate to see you not liking your bodies (that’s only directed at fat people who actually dislike their bodies), but because it made me feel weird for being attracted to bigger guys.  It took me a long time to realize that it was okay that bellies, not abs or flat stomachs, were what got me going.  Once I did, though, I thought things would be smooth sailing from there.  I thought the big guys that I took a liking to would be okay with me liking them physically as much as I like them mentally and emotionally, or even find it to be a nice change of pace.

This image of the world started to take a beating when I saw this post:

Anonymous asked: Not really a submission, but the worst feeling in the world is when you start to get comfortable with someone romantically only to find out that they’re a “chubby chaser”…

Excuse me?

To the credit of the admin of that blog, she did an absolutely marvelous job responding to this question.  But things didn’t improve when I saw a post recently (that I haven’t been able to find while writing this post) that was meant to give some hope to fat people, saying, one day you won’t have people pretending to be concerned about your health when they only care about your size, that one day your size won’t determine your worth as a person in this society, that one day you’ll be found attractive by more people than just chasers who fetishize your flab…

Excuse me?!

We need to talk, fat community.

Now, I’m not going to deny the existence of the bad apples that have spoiled the bunch.  Just as there are people who objectify the bodies of skinny and muscular people and ignore the person who occupies that body, there are people who objectify fat people, a problem probably made worse by society’s idea that fat people should be grateful if someone would like to have sex with them, and that they should accept that sex with no regard for personal compatibility or even consent, because when are they going to have this opportunity again?  I imagine it’s kind of like how rape culture creates the mentality in men that if they want sex, they should be able to have sex, with no regard for the other person’s thoughts on the matter.  I’d imagine that the mentality of “be grateful when someone wants to have sex with you” creates a mentality in chasers that if they want to have sex with a fat person, they should be able to.

I don’t have to imagine the effect that feederism adds to the equation, because (this is something I never thought I’d admit in a public venue, but fuck it) I’m into feederism myself.  Feederism, for the uninitiated, is being aroused by weight gain.  For someone with a fetish like that, it’s easy to get caught up in their one’s desires to see someone grow and forget that there’s a person wearing that flab, and that that person’s feelings on the matter need to be taken into account.  I’ve seen some downright appalling comments on feederism videos, comments that clearly show the person making them has forgotten there’s a person there being filmed.  I always try to be more humanizing in my comments, and I think I do a good job; it’s the least I can do.

So yes, these bad apples exist.  But (and I’m only talking to the people who actually do this), why do you have to lump all of us who think you are attractive in with these bad apples?

Is it because you subconsciously don’t want to accept that someone thinks you are attractive the way you are?  I know internalized size-hatred is a big problem in the fat community (I suffer from it myself, and I’m decidedly average sized).  I know everyone’s journey is individual, so I can’t tell you to just “get over it”, but please, don’t invalidate our feelings just because they don’t make sense to you.  We think you’re banging, appealing, beautiful, handsome, and downright hot; please don’t deny that we have these thoughts, even if you disagree with them.

Of course, I suspect the main reason this chaser-phobia exists in the fat community is because of the aforementioned bad apples.  Let’s tackle this subject.

It seems there are fat people who think that if someone finds them attractive, they must be some kind of fetishist who only wants to get with them because they are big, and that this supposed fetishist couldn’t possibly like the fat person as a person as well, just as a body.  Thanks, fat community; thank for completely invalidating my desire for a loving relationship with a man of bigger size.

Let me tell you a story.  I lost my virginity to an amazing man this weekend (don’t worry, this won’t go into TMI territory).  He’s one of the most perseverant human beings I know, and I have so much respect for him for that reason.  He’s done more to bring me out of my shell than anyone else I know, and that’s something I’m extremely grateful for.  He has expanded my musical tastes immensely both by showing me new songs and teaching me how to find new songs on my own.  He’s funny, considerate, and on-the-whole, amazing.  He shares similar feelings about me, for different reasons, but the important thing is that level of respect is mutual.

We got really close in the months after we met, sharing some of our darkest secrets, and we eventually decided mutually to bring our friendship to that next level.  As a lover, he was the best I could ask for.  He was considerate, always asking me if I’m okay with something before he did it, suggesting things but never pressuring, caring about my pleasure just as much as his own.  When I was with him, I felt completely fine about speaking up about what felt good and what I wasn’t comfortable with, and I think that level of comfort is very important in a sexual partner, especially your first one (hell, I’d say it’s vital).  I’m really grateful that I was able to lose my virginity to someone like him.

He also happens to be significantly heavier than me.  My guess (he’s never told me the exact number) would be that he’s around 300 pounds.  This whole thing started when we admitted to each other on Facebook that we found each other attractive, then a year and a half later, this happened.

How can you call me a fetishist?  How can you say that my admiration for this man, that my reason for having sex with him, was purely physical?  You might be rushing to say you weren’t talking about me when you called all chasers fetishists, but save your keystrokes.  When you make blanket statements about a community, you include everyone in that community in your description.  You can’t rush to say, “But I wasn’t talking about you!” and expect everything to be hunky dory, because unless you qualify your original statement to not include me and those like me, your intentions have already been made clear. (And if you’re going to flat-out deny what I’ve written and call me a fetishist in hiding or in denial, you can kindly go swallow on a brick.  Whole.)  We share an extremely special friendship, one of mutual-respect and closeness, and that’s why I trusted him enough to sleep with him.  Thanks for completely invalidating that.

So now that I’ve made this personal, let me reel it in a bit and say something more general to the chaser-phobes who think we’re all fetishists:  most of us aren’t.  We’re just people with preferences, people who are attracted to certain bodies more than others, and that describes most of the population on this planet.  What makes our preference so much more objectionable?

Look, there are people out there who objectify (a more encompassing word than fetishize) all kinds of bodies, and there are also people out there who fall in love with people who have those same bodies.  You’re no exception.  Not everyone who likes bigger people just wants their flab; some of us (me included) want to love you just as much as we love your body (or more!).  Please give us that chance.

Let me leave you with this quote from Fat Acceptance Frenchie, in case you didn’t read the post I linked to above:  “Nobody deserves to be sexualized if they don’t want to be but chubby chasers aren’t a bad thing.  I used to think just like that, I used to want someone who didn’t necessarily like fat girls because it meant that I was appealing beyond being a fat girl even though there is nothing wrong with being a fat girl. It’s just another measure of self hate.  Chubby chasers can be problematic when they are still “in the closet.”  They hide their lovers for fear of being discovered and that’s painful especially for the person they are involved with who is being hidden because of their size.  Open and out chubby chasers are awesome though! I wish there were more of them out in the open!" (final emphasis is my own)

Peace.

YES!  This is something that actually deserves a &#8220;legalize&#8230;&#8221; shirt, unlike the &#8220;Legalize Gay&#8221; shirts I see people wearing here in the U.S.. [commence rant] Look, I know cultural homophobia sucks, but when the worst legal obstacle you face for being gay is not being able to marry someone, your sexuality doesn&#8217;t need to be &#8220;legalized&#8221;.  There are places where you can legally get killed for being gay.  Those are places where &#8220;gay&#8221; needs to be legalized.  &#8220;Gay&#8221; itself is perfectly legal here; stop acting like it isn&#8217;t, and stop insulting the plight of gay people in those aforementioned countries by wearing &#8220;Legalize Gay&#8221; shirts when all you&#8217;re protesting is marriage discrimination. [end rant]

YES!  This is something that actually deserves a “legalize…” shirt, unlike the “Legalize Gay” shirts I see people wearing here in the U.S.. [commence rant] Look, I know cultural homophobia sucks, but when the worst legal obstacle you face for being gay is not being able to marry someone, your sexuality doesn’t need to be “legalized”.  There are places where you can legally get killed for being gay.  Those are places where “gay” needs to be legalized.  “Gay” itself is perfectly legal here; stop acting like it isn’t, and stop insulting the plight of gay people in those aforementioned countries by wearing “Legalize Gay” shirts when all you’re protesting is marriage discrimination. [end rant]

(via ksplitintwok)

ksplitintwok:

the-unpopular-opinions:

I’m not really sure how to go anon…but if I am supposed to ask in here, anon please? :)

I believe this.  We discussed it the whole day once in high school.I am white, and I have been told to my face and my parents faces that we will not be given the money we need to put me in a good school of my choice because we are white.  I call that racist.   

I do think that a certain number of &#8220;reverse-discriminatory&#8221; measures do need to be put in to help a previously second-class minority catch up if they are still being held back by historical baggage.  However, such measures are not a permanent solution, and true change cannot come from trying to combat the effects of this historical baggage.  We must address the baggage itself; we must address the disadvantages that still exist for these people because of their minority&#8217;s history.  In other words, the best way to help under-privileged people &#8220;catch up&#8221; is to address the fundamental differences in privilege and advantage that exist between them and the majority; that addresses the root of the problem.  These kinds of scholarships fast-track disadvantaged people into a scholastic challenge they might not be prepared to handle because they&#8217;re still hobbled by the disadvantages of their group&#8217;s past.
You aren&#8217;t going to make someone more ready for the rigors and challenges of college by just paying for some of it.  That doesn&#8217;t address the comparatively worse quality of their high school education, or the fact that they might have had to work full time in high school to support their family and didn&#8217;t learn as much for that reason, or the fact that they might have to work full-time in college and not be able to dedicate themselves to their full-time studies for that reason, or the fact that they might have a kid to take care of because they weren&#8217;t educated about protection and preventative measures that could have prevented an unwanted pregnancy.
As a tutor, I see these disadvantaged people all the time.  I see them come in, unable to understand something they learned in the classroom because of whatever disadvantage they have.  And make no mistake:  they want to learn.  There are plenty of people who don&#8217;t do well in college who I don&#8217;t see as often, and they&#8217;re the ones who are failing because of laziness or apathy.  These people want to learn this stuff; they want to earn that good grade; they want to earn that degree.  But they have trouble doing that, because they&#8217;re still disadvantaged, and the scholarship isn&#8217;t going to change that.
That isn&#8217;t to say the scholarship isn&#8217;t a step in the right direction; I&#8217;m not educated enough about that issue to say whether it is or not.  But I think we need to focus more on what causes the need for that scholarship, so we won&#8217;t need those scholarships at all.

ksplitintwok:

the-unpopular-opinions:

I’m not really sure how to go anon…but if I am supposed to ask in here, anon please? :)

I believe this.  We discussed it the whole day once in high school.
I am white, and I have been told to my face and my parents faces that we will not be given the money we need to put me in a good school of my choice because we are white.  I call that racist.   

I do think that a certain number of “reverse-discriminatory” measures do need to be put in to help a previously second-class minority catch up if they are still being held back by historical baggage.  However, such measures are not a permanent solution, and true change cannot come from trying to combat the effects of this historical baggage.  We must address the baggage itself; we must address the disadvantages that still exist for these people because of their minority’s history.  In other words, the best way to help under-privileged people “catch up” is to address the fundamental differences in privilege and advantage that exist between them and the majority; that addresses the root of the problem.  These kinds of scholarships fast-track disadvantaged people into a scholastic challenge they might not be prepared to handle because they’re still hobbled by the disadvantages of their group’s past.

You aren’t going to make someone more ready for the rigors and challenges of college by just paying for some of it.  That doesn’t address the comparatively worse quality of their high school education, or the fact that they might have had to work full time in high school to support their family and didn’t learn as much for that reason, or the fact that they might have to work full-time in college and not be able to dedicate themselves to their full-time studies for that reason, or the fact that they might have a kid to take care of because they weren’t educated about protection and preventative measures that could have prevented an unwanted pregnancy.

As a tutor, I see these disadvantaged people all the time.  I see them come in, unable to understand something they learned in the classroom because of whatever disadvantage they have.  And make no mistake:  they want to learn.  There are plenty of people who don’t do well in college who I don’t see as often, and they’re the ones who are failing because of laziness or apathy.  These people want to learn this stuff; they want to earn that good grade; they want to earn that degree.  But they have trouble doing that, because they’re still disadvantaged, and the scholarship isn’t going to change that.

That isn’t to say the scholarship isn’t a step in the right direction; I’m not educated enough about that issue to say whether it is or not.  But I think we need to focus more on what causes the need for that scholarship, so we won’t need those scholarships at all.